When I wrote my last post about setting goals I wrote it coming from the highly organised and methodical side of me with productivity in mind. The straight-cut approach was kind of intentional because I wanted it to resonate and be useful to a broad range of readers. But when I read it back, I noticed how generic it sounds, and generic is definitely not me! In reality I am a very spiritual person so after using the SMART approach to kick start my goal-setting process and get some ideas down on paper, I then continue with focused meditations and perhaps some intention-setting rituals to really put my plans out into the universe. But instead I left that out and kept it very neutral.
Then last week I wanted to post some links in a Facebook group and provide some information which I thought could help some people. I wanted to show the correlation between certain chronic diseases and signs of going through spiritual growth. This is something I can personally relate to having experienced it myself whilst living with coeliac disease and fibromyalgia. Instead I decided to put up a more generic, less spiritual version of the points I was trying to highlight. It still included some information about cross-over symptoms but it was definitely much less ‘free-speechy’ than what I would say amongst my tribe of spiritual friends.
So why did I choose to go generic?
Fear.
Yes I wanted my goal-setting blog post to appeal to a variety of people, but I was mostly afraid that if I showed my spiritual side I might lose readers or not get as many shares and tweets and likes, and this would be really discouraging as a new blogger. And in the Facebook group where I had an opportunity to help people in a subject that I strongly believe in, I was afraid in case people didn’t agree or judged me or even kicked me out of the group! But do you know what? Not only was the post welcomed by several people and many commented that they could relate to a lot of what I was saying, I was also thanked by some for my input and for facilitating their free speech on the subject! I was amazed and totally warmed by the response.
And then I was disappointed….with myself. I had absolutely let myself down because I had not been true to myself. And although I don’t have much of a following yet, I feel like I had let my readers down as well by not showing them who I truly am.
Throughout our lives we are advised by our wise elders not to try to change or act differently just to please others. For many years I didn’t know who I was and like many others I struggled to find my own identity growing up. Being caught up in societal norms I went along with the crowd, dressed a certain way, followed other peoples’ beliefs, listened to their opinions and tried to change accordingly. It wasn’t until I moved away in my mid-twenties and experienced new things and spent time with different people, that I started to think for myself and see things from new perspectives. Because when we detach from the society we were raised in, it is at these times that we grow as a person and become our true selves.
There is a reason you have to spend time alone to ‘find yourself‘. You have to remove yourself from everybody and everything that is confining you and trying to dictate who you should be. Strip all of that away and you are left with you. Authentically uniquely you. Only then can you identify your strengths, your weaknesses, find your passions and build on what makes you truly happy.
I am now in my thirties and still trying to have the confidence to be true to myself it seems! And it totally surprises me. Have I not totally accepted myself for who I am? Even after all these years of connecting with my inner self, building my self-esteem and strengthening my self-worth, I am still worrying about what others may think if I talk about certain subjects or reveal certain aspects of myself which are considered different. But what this past week has taught me is that you shouldn’t have to be afraid of being you and believing in what you believe in. You also shouldn’t try to second guess what’s going on in other peoples’ minds! I am a firm believer that every being on this planet is on their own journey. And of course as individuals, everybody has a different perspective and opinion based on their own experiences and events in life. And as my recent experience proves, what you believe people may think about you or expect of you could be completely different to reality!
So how can we begin on this journey of self-acceptance?
- Stop trying to please everybody. Nobody likes the idea of being disliked, judged or spoken negatively about. But we cannot and should not try to convince others of our value as a friend, a confidant, a coworker, a fellow human-being. Sure you could keep changing your personality according to whose company you are in with the hope of being liked by all. But aside from being deceitful and false, that sounds like hard work!! Instead, people are more likely to respect us and appreciate us for being true to our beliefs and morals, for being genuine, open and transparent. Rather than trying to be liked by everybody we should be putting our time and energy into building quality relationships with people who will love us fiercely and fully for who we are. These are the people we really need in our lives.
- Realise that nobody is perfect. When people bad-mouth us it is easy to take it personally and be self-critical. There will always be aspects of our character that we feel could be improved upon. But do not let others decide your flaws. If you feel there may be some truth in what people say, use it as an opportunity to improve yourself instead of thinking negatively of yourself. But if you decide to change then do it for your own personal growth, not to keep others happy.
- Consider that peoples’ behaviour toward you may be based on insecurity. Often people point out our flaws because they reflect something in their own character that they don’t like. By staying positive and proactive about your own self-improvement (if you feel this is what you need to do!) you may actually inspire them to take action in their own lives. Constructive criticism can be a powerful thing when it is utilised and not dwelled upon.
- Avoid comparing yourself and your life to other people. Remember that you are on your own unique journey in this life. You are here to be you, to learn and to grow in the way that is intended for you. By trying to live in someone else’s shoes you are not being true to yourself. And just as you are living your own life, so is the person that you are comparing yourself to. You have no idea what journey they are on, where they have been, the experiences that have made them who they are or guided them to the place they are headed. By comparing yourself to others and trying to be the same as someone else or to fit in, you are failing yourself and totally holding yourself back, preventing your own unique progression in this life. Following society is suffocating. Reveal your true self and allow yourself to breathe!
- Be mindful of your negative thoughts. Punishing yourself with negative words and beliefs serves no purpose. When you are feeling like you are not good enough or not valued, write down each negative thought that you have about yourself. Then try to say them to the next person you see. Well obviously don’t! Because that would be disrespectful and just plain cruel right? So why think that it is acceptable to say such hurtful things to yourself? Several psychology studies have shown that positive affirmations can have powerful effects on our productivity and general well-being. Although they are just words, they have the power to change our mindset and from there our actions. So when you consider the reverse, saying negative hurtful things to yourself is bound to have a huge impact on your happiness and well-being. Work on turning this around and reinforce the fact that you are amazing, loveable and worthy, just as you are.
- Give yourself credit. Too often we have such high expectations and put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect at everything in life- career, parenting, fitness, etc. – that we forget about the effort we put in each day and how far we have come. Of course it is good to do the best that we can but often we focus on how much better we can do still, like we are never enough. Be kind to yourself and remember to look at what you already do so well and what you have achieved.
Self-acceptance starts with being You. Focus your attention on the inner you and find out who you truly are. Banish everything that is holding you back and that does not serve you in this life. Don’t wait for other people’s permission or approval to be who you want to be. Go and find your own tribe. Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally and allow you to be the best and most authentic version of yourself. Most importantly, have courage to be true to yourself. Like I discovered, you never know who you are going to inspire!
Thanks for reading xxx
Native To Humanity 